Among Jelly beans, Giant squids and Coffee
by Rachel-Snowdrop
Summary: It is a truth known throughout all of Hogwarts that you should NEVER EVER give Marlene McKinnon coffee. Sadly, Sirius was bored…


It is a truth known throughout of Hogwarts that you should _NEVER EVER_ give Marlene McKinnon coffee. Sadly, Sirius was bored…

"I'm going to go do some research. Dorcas you coming?" Lily said irritably after reminding James for the third time that day that it was never going to happen between them. Dorcas looked away from Remus and nodded. They got up and left leaving Marlene finishing breakfast with the "Marauders".

"Hey guys, I just remembered I have to edit my History of magic essay… I'm going to the library," Remus said quickly as Dorcas waved at him smiling as she left.

"You can help me with mine then Mooney!" James said jumping up. Remus sighed then looked at Sirius.

"You coming too?" He asked cautiously.

"Nah. Books give me a nosebleed" Sirius dismissed with a wave. James glanced at Marlene pointedly. Sirius waggled his eyebrows back suggestively.

"We'll see you later then." James said smugly then ran off with Mooney in tow. Sirius slid down the table so he was sat opposite Marlene.

"Hey Mars" He grinned causing her to look up in surprise then glance down the table.

"Where did everybody go?" She asked in confusion.

"Library." He answered helping himself to a slice of toast from her plate.

"Just as well, books give me a headache." She said grabbing back the slice of toast.

"Nosebleed." Sirius grinned. She smiled dismissively then finished the toast.

"So what you doing today?" She asked brightly.

"Nothing. No pranks planned. Just going to be bored… all alone." He pouted and gave her puppy dog eyes.

"Aw poor Siwi-Wiwi!" She teased.

"Sure! Mock the sad and bored!" He gasped with fake pain. He put a hand on his heart and sighed dramatically.

"If only I had someone to help pass the time with!"

"Isn't there a word that makes people want to help you out?" She smirked, ever amused by his craziness.

"PLEASE MARS!" he cried dramatically she laughed and shoved an apple in his mouth causing him to choke slightly.

"Well when you put it that way!" She grinned. Sirius managed to stop splattering smile and gulp some coffee. Marlene sighed, staring longingly at the cup.

"Want some?" Sirius asked feigning innocence.

"I can't. Lily won't let me drink coffee since… well, you remember…" She said blushing.

"Since you turned Minnie's hair blue and leapt into the black lake dressed in Fabians old dress robes trying to catch a Grindylow? Yeah. I remember." He grinned smugly. She scowled at him.

"You know this is our sixth year! N.E.W.T.S will be starting soon let's have one day of fun before work." He grinned reassuringly pouring her a cup.

"I don't know…" She said quietly analysing the cup.

"Come on! I'll spend the day with you! It's just a little caffeine it's good!" She glanced at him cautiously.

"If I embarrass myself it's on your head." She sighed before downing the cup as Sirius grinned evilly.

xxXXXxx

"Are you sure?" Sirius stared at Marlene. Her head cocked on one side, cheeks slightly flushed, blue eyes huge.

"Yes Mars I'm sure James isn't part hippogriff…" He said cautiously as Marlene helped herself to another mug of coffee.

"Let's go Sirius I want to explore!" She said dreamily standing up and knocking down a first year.

"Sure, where do yo-" Sirius got cut off by Marlene squealing and pointing.

"Look Sirius! A vampire!" She shrieked running down to Snape who looked terrified. Sirius grinned sinisterly and followed slowly.

"Do you drink peoples blood?" She questioned Severus who looked terrified at this blonde squealing at him.

"Yeah Snivellus do you?" Sirius said smugly as Snape glared at him.

"Do you know Dracula?" Marlene continued undeterred. Sirius was literally choked on laughter.

"Come on Mars." He gasped between laughs. She waved to Severus then skipped along the corridor.

"I should tell Dorcas there's a vampire for her DADA essay… Merlin! Look Sirius!" She chattered before stopping abruptly in front of a gargoyle. Sirius stared at her confused.

"What is it Mars?" He asked curiously. Marlene shushed him and stared into the gargoyles eyes.

"Professor Slughorn? CAN YOU HEAR ME?" She said loudly to the gargoyle. When it didn't answer she looked at Sirius panicking.

"Quickly Sirius! We must save Professor Slughorn!"

"What?" Sirius was really confused now.

"Of course! You're right! He can magic himself out he's a professor! You're so smart!" She smiled. Sirius considered this momentarily then smirked.

"Yeah sure let's go with that. AH! What the-!" Sirius screamed Marlene had suddenly knocked him on to the floor. She covered his mouth and leaned to his ear.

"Sirius… Sirius can you hear it? Can you hear it? IN THE CEILING?" Marlene rose from a whisper to a full shriek. Sirius sighed panic gone. He got up still smirking and dusted himself off.

"Coming Mars?" He asked offering a hand to help her up. She pursed her lips suddenly and glared at him folding her arms.

"What? Mars? What!" Sirius sighed throwing up his hands in surrender.

"You're not being fun." She pouted. He laughed then stopped at her sad expression.

"How can I stop that?" He smiled gently. She cocked her head to one side then answered.

"It's our big day of fun today right? Be hyper!" Sirius laughed and nodded.

"Get on my back…" He grinned she clapped her hands in joy then jumped up.

"We should have codenames! I'll be Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles and you can be Snuffles!" She chattered as they sprinted down the corridor together.

xxXXXxx

"Why do you hurt me so Lily?" James asked sadly pouting at the redhead.

"Because your ego needs deflating Potter," Lily answered sharply walking out of the library with James, Remus and Dorcas following.

"I'M A HIPPOGRIFF!" a voice screamed. They all looked down the corridor to see Marlene with her arms spread like wings on the back of a broom with Sirius on the front laughing and steering. The others stared at them fly past in a stunned silence.

"SIRIUS! GET OFF MY BROOM!" James bellowed after them. Lily looked at him incredulously.

"That's what you got from that!" She asked shocked.

"Lily…" Dorcas said worried.

"What!" Lily snapped irritably.

"What's wrong with Marlene?" Remus said cautiously.

"Coffee." She whispered freezing.

"What do we do?" Dorcas asked worried. Remus groaned. Lily shoved her face in her hands. James stuck his tongue out thinking.

"Follow them and sort out whatever they do before they get caught." James sighed dramatically. Lily nodded resigned and started walking after them with Dorcas.

"Hey Mooney! Lily just agreed with me!" James whispered excitedly.

"James. Let me deal with one crazed Marauder at a time please." He sighed tiredly.

xxXXXxx

"Sirius I've got an idea!" Marlene said excitedly hopping over desks in an abandoned classroom.

"What this time?" Sirius asked giddily counting shoes. They had evidently stolen every Slytherins right shoe.

"What did Lily say last time James asked her out?" Marlene asked innocently.

"That she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid." Sirius answered automatically, Marlene's smile widened.

"Let's set them up."

"We've tried to set James and Lily up loads of times they never work my nose still hurts from-"

"No! Not James and Lily! Lily and the Giant Squid!" Marlene laughed giddily.

"That's genius Mars!"

"Obviously! I'm a brilliant person" Marlene giggled then grabbed his hand and they ran off in the direction of the black lake.

"James! Was that them?" Lily yells seeing two students run out of the entrance hall.

"I think it was! You go. We'll fix the damage and meet you." James calls back straightening up a classroom they had previously been in, which appeared to be covered in strawberry jam. Lily nods and runs after them.

xxXXXxx

Sirius and Marlene stood at the edge of the lake.

"Here Squiddy! Come on Mr. Giant Squid!" Sirius calls to the water.

"Sirius that's sexist! It could be a Miss Giant Squid!" Marlene says haughtily. Sirius bows his head in defeat then they both continue yelling.

"MARLENE! SIRIUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Lily shrieked running towards them. Marlene saw her and started hopping excitedly.

"Sirius she's here! Quickly!" She squealed happily. Sirius grinned widely and suddenly a table was set up with candles and flowers and a chair but two plates. Marlene ran forward and smiled at Lily giddily.

"Marlene what ar-" Lily started warningly but Marlene cut her off.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Marlene said quickly freezing Lily. She waved her wand again and floated Lily to the chair.

"Hey Evans. We set you up with your preferred date!" Lily's eyes darted madly from side to side wondering what Sirius meant.

"You said you'd rather go out with a giant squid so Ta-Da!" Marlene finished in a way that made it sound like it was obvious. Lily wanted to scream.

"Come on Mars let's leave them alone." Sirius grinned smirking at Lily. Marlene nodded and they bounced off.

"I hope she doesn't get stood up!" Marlene shouted giddily before sprinting towards the quidditch pitch. Sirius waved at Lily and ran after her.

xxXXXxx

"Sirius I'm bored! Let's do something fun!" Marlene whined rolling over the quidditch stand to face him. He looked at the sky thinking.

"Let's go explode the pumpkins." He said simply getting up but Marlene jumped in front.

"No I've got a better idea!" She cackled evilly. Sirius grinned and then burst out laughing at what they heard from the black lake.

"AND THEN THEY SET ME UP WITH A GIANT SQUID THANKS TO YOU POTTER!"

"Come on. Let's go before she figures out the Giant squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule ball!" Marlene laughed before grabbing his hand and running again. Sirius beamed even more at the contact and ran after her.

xxXXXxx

"You know, this was never considered to be the plan today." Remus sighed to Dorcas. She shot him a sidelong glance and smiled to herself.

"I could always help you finish today's work tomorrow…if you wanted…" she said trying to appear nonchalant. Remus smiled gently at her and nodded. Dorcas really wanted to cheer with joy but was brought back down to earth with a thud as Lily shrieked at James.

"James I will NOT go out with you because you saved me from a nonexistent squid!" Dorcas face palmed in agony. Subtle as a flying Grindylow as usual then.

"But Lily-flower! Why?" James whined irritably. She heard Lily take a deep breath and sighed knowing James was about to be torn a new one. But Remus got there first.

"WILL YOU TWO STOP!" He bellows causing a stunned silence at the usually shy and polite Remus. Dorcas turned to look at the others. Lily was looking sad and James was gaping like a fish.

"I have had enough of this! All day I have had to run after two crazy people while being stuck with another two! I cannot take this! Lily could you at least not voice James' many _many_ faults so often? And James I swear if you use another line on Evans today I will tell Marlene EXACTLY what happened to her old broom when she's done being hyper! Are. We. Clear?" Everyone looked at Remus with wide eyes and nodded.

"Yes Mooney" James murmured head hanging in shame. He knew the routine by now. They needed to get to the kitchens and pump his head full of chocolate if they wanted a happy werewolf. He was about to suggest checking the kitchens when someone interrupted them.

"WHAT THE-" a voice just round the corner screamed. They hurried around to see what was happening and froze. Alice Prewett (the screamer) turned to face them.

"Who gave Marlene coffee?" She growled. Just in front of her on a bare wall was a huge red and gold drawing of a lion with "Gryffindor rules Suckers" flashing at the bottom.

"Sirius" Remus, Dorcas, Lily and James answered simultaneously. As Lily moved with her wand to clean it up Benjy Fenwick sprinted over.

"Hey! You seen Black and McKinnon?" He asked breathlessly.

"Not exactly. We're looking for them…" Dorcas said feigning calm. Fenwick smirked.

"You might want to find them soon. McGonagalls on the warpath. Apparently they're planning something big according to Shacklebolt." He waved at everyone and winked at Dorcas. Remus growled warningly.

"Honestly! Another girl off limits by the marauders!" Benjy laughed before running down the corridor. Lily scowled and opened her mouth to say something but Remus shot her a look.

"Ok. Someone distract McGonagall, someone clean _this_ and someone else find those two before I lay a bear trap!" Alice said angrily glaring at the group.

"Remus and I will find McGonagall." Dorcas interjected looking shyly at Remus who nodded.

"You two find the coffee junkies while I clean this." Alice said gesturing to Lily and James.

"Oh no! Not happening! No way!" Lily screeched. James gasped feigning offence. Alice and Remus glared at her.

"Circe, if looks could kill." James murmured. Lily held up her hands in defeat and started dragging James by his robes down the corridor.

"Coffee. Do stupid things faster with more energy" Alice murmured angrily taking out her wand sending death glares at the picture.

xxXXXxx

"I USED TO RULE THE WORLD! SEAS WOULD RISE WHEN I GAVE THE WORD. NOW IN THE MORNING I SLEEP ALONE! SWEEP THE STREETS I USED TO OWN!" Marlene and Sirius sang at the top of their lungs. To be fair Marlene wasn't actually that bad. It was more Sirius that made it agonisingly annoying.

"You know any more of the words?" Sirius laughed turning to face Marlene on the back of James' broom.

"Nope!" Marlene giggled mouth popping on the 'p'.

"Just do the 'oh' bits again then" Sirius yelled. Marlene sang that part loudly while Sirius swerved around a sharp corner. A few third year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs laughed and applauded them as they flew past leaving a trail of red and gold sparks.

"Come on we need to set it up before dinner!" Sirius beamed as Marlene waved and blew kisses at the crowd. She pointed her wand ahead of them and left another Gryffindor lion drawing unaware Alice would murder her.

"Then onwards Sir!" She laughed. Sirius nodded and changed direction towards the Great Hall. She then starts singing the 'oh's' again and stuck her arms in the air as they fly past Lily and James.

"There they are!" Lily yelled. James stopped her and pointed at the wall.

"Alice is going to murder them. What was she singing?" James said quietly.

"Some muggle song I don't know, not now James!" Lily snapped. James then realised something.

"THEY'VE STILL GOT MY BROOM!" He bellowed glowering at the trail of fading gold and red sparks. Lily turned to him an incredulous look.

"Again. That's what you got from that?" She asks. He just ignores her and continues glaring down the hall. She groans.

"Come on let's find the others," She says tugging on his sleeve. When he doesn't budge she waves her hand in front of his eyes. No reaction. She rolled her eyes and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"What? Lily huh?" James babbled. She smirked and dragged him to find the rest of the group.

xxXXXxx

It had been a few hours since Marlene and Sirius had been seen, although 3 nifflers had destroyed Slughorns potions classroom much to Lily's horror. Alice, Remus, Dorcas, Lily and James had finally given up and decided to go to dinner half an hour early and relax for a while.

"It's like the calm before the storm… It's so unsettling" Dorcas sighed holding hands with Remus. They all nodded in agreement. They came to the great hall doors.

"Alice!" came a voice. Frank was running up the corridor waving a piece of paper.

"Hey Frank! What's wrong?" Alice asked cautiously. Frank handed her the paper grimacing.

"Read it out!" James said annoyed. Alice's eyes widened as she scanned the document before reading aloud.

"Marlene McKinnon and Sirius Black would like to apologise for their caffeinated mishaps that have taken place today and ask the students of Hogwarts (even the Slytherins!) To join them in the great hall right at the start of dinner for a big 'surprise'" Alice finished worry evident in her voice.

"They're posted up around the school, on trees, in the common room, next to those drawings ("Drawings? With an s?" Alice interrupts) scattered over the floor too. Filch looked like he was having a stroke! Everyone is coming in the next…10 minutes!" Frank explains panicked checking his watch.

"What could they have done?" Dorcas whimpers staring up at the Great Hall's door.

"Relax they can't blow up the school… Can they Remus?" James says not bothering to feign confidence.

"Marlene is _still _on a caffeine rush and Sirius will do anything for a bit of fun. They could do anything…" Remus said with an air of doom. A few Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs from various years were starting to arrive chattering excitedly.

"Well, None of them seem worried so let's give then the benefit of the doubt." Lily said attempting a smile. James put a hand to her forehead.

"No fever. Are you feeling alright Lily?" He asks looking genuinely concerned for her health. She tried laughing and soon Dorcas and Alice joined in.

"Why are you laughing?" James said in a hurt voice. Remus and Frank chuckled.

"We're not laughing at you we're laughing at them! Think about it! They've been mental today and we haven't laughed at them once!" Lily gasped in between giggles. James smirked and joined in but soon a Ravenclaw shushed them.

"It's two minutes to dinner." She whispered. James turned and realised almost the entire student population had shown up. They all nodded and fell silent. Like everyone else staring at the doors they were stood in front of.

"Ten." James shouted at ten seconds. Everyone looked at him in surprise but many caught on.

"Nine!"

"Eight!"

"Seven!"

"Six!"

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!" Everyone's eyes widened as they stared at the door. Nothing happened. After 30 seconds Remus broke the silence.

"Oh for Godric's sake!" He snapped before forcefully yanking the door open.

"YAY!" Marlene and Sirius screamed from the top of an avalanche of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans that was pouring out of the hall. Many yelled in shock and delight and were carried down the corridor on a wave of sweets.

"Guys!" Marlene shrieked in delight seeing their friends wade through the beans to see them.

"What do you think?" Sirius called. James was vaguely aware they were still moving through the school there were so many beans.

"How many are there?" Remus shouts from next to Dorcas. Marlene laughs.

"Enough to fill the entire Great Hall!" Alice gaped in shock as the group finally hit the floor.

"I can't believe you guys!" Lily laughs holding onto James for support. Marlene raises her eyebrows at that but says nothing.

"Marlene we have to get out of here before McGonagall catches us!" Sirius shouts grabbing her hand and leading her away. Lily raises her eyebrows back but Marlene sticks her tongue out.

"It's edible!" She calls to the students as she passes them, all whom immediately started eating.

"Not a bad day in all." Remus smiles to Dorcas who pulls him to the library. Alice and Frank had already disappeared. Which left James and Lily.

"So Lily? Want to go out sometime?" James asked hopefully. She let go of him, considered but shook her head.

"Don't pout! I can now say this at least I would much rather go out with you then the Giant Squid. Just not right now." She kissed him lightly on the cheek took some beans and wandered to the common room.

xxXXXxx

"I can't believe we pulled that off Sirius!" Marlene gasped, collapsing on the grass next to the black lake. Sirius flopped down next to her.

"I know! This has been one of the best days I've had in a long time Mars!" Sirius said playing with a curl. She laughs loudly.

"Same here. Even when Lily comes to her senses and kills me. We should hang out more often." She smiles at him caffeine wearing off.

"How about Hogsmeade next weekend?" He asks grinning widely.

"If we don't have detention." She yawns before settling down, exhausted, in the grass. Sirius smirked.

"Crap, here comes McGonagall. Lets go Marly." He said urgently seeing his head of house storming towards them. Sirius looks at Marlene and winces as he hears her let out a snore.

"Well this can't be good…"

That, readers, is why you never give Marlene McKinnon coffee… especially when Sirius is bored…


End file.
